I Think

So i shall take the focus of my writings for a moment and more on my thoughts.

Louis Mackey - "There are two types of sufferers in this world. Those that suffer from a lack of life and those that suffer from an overabundance of it."

Ok now I have suffered from both of these. I have at times been so alone that I felt like an alien on a distant planet, and sometimes i have literally been alone and shut in for long periods of time. and then I have been surrounded by friends constantly to the point where everything is out of control. Though both times have been so very different experiences they have felt like two sides of the same coin. Both feel that they can only end in self destruction. A real fear of a loss of self occurs. Losing myself to myself. (Trapped in a darkroom with myself and no light, only the fear that I fabricate and thats scarier than any outside force because it is me that is the monster) Or losing myself in a crowd of people. (alone in a sea of faces)
So in my mind this quote is perfectly true. but in my mind I may be insane. which brings on the next quote.

J.C. Shakespeare - "A self-destructive man feels completely alienated, utterly alone. He's an outsider to the human community. He thinks to himself, "I must be insane." What he fails to realize is that society has, just as he does, a vested interest in considerable losses and catastrophes."

I consider myself very self destructive due to my "feel first ask questions later "way of life and I'm not this way by choice but conditioned to be this way through things that appeal to me(maybe it is by choice). Music, movies, art all have a message of feeling over reality. Feeling becomes the reality. In this way reality does bend to my will but it will also shatter it at times and when this occurs the self destructive nature and alienation set in. which brings me to another niche of an artist. That we are to forever suffer and be near the brink of self destruction as long as we strive to be on the limit of society, our minds. So is it predetermined that I am to suffer and eventual be the cause of my own destruction? perhaps. But because I am self conscious of this will I be able to steer away from that path or like everyone, because I know, will I unknowingly be steering myself towards that path faster trying to avoid it. I don't know. I do know however that I will keep living.
Richard Linklater - "There's only one instant, and it's right now. And it's eternity. "